he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This couple is walking their pig around campus
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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