Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
