My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
