i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
