I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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