I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
