Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
