If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
