You can't special order awesome
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
