I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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