What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
