please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
