WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
