Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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