im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
