i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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