My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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