Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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