he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
