Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
should my penis look like a turkey
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
