Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I FOUND THE LEGS
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
