I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
