Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
