how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
