im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
