u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
