My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
