Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
