i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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