She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
