its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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