goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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