first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
