Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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