ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
