I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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