the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
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