pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
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You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
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I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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