i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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