the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Randomize
