Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I skipped work to stalk him.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
