he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
