You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Randomize
