I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
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It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
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Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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