Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
