you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
my liver is dry heaving
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
