Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
