cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
