No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
