You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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