I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
