i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
