If i come over, it means nothing
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i love accidental penises.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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