I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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