Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize