Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
