well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What did we do last night that was yellow?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
