I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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