I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize