I can tuck mytits in my pants
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
