dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
